I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
