I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
