it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
