Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
