my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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