Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
