Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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