I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
