My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
