wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
