You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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