what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My feet surprised me
Randomize
