Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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