if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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