It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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