Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
