Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I touched a dick in church today
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
