and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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