dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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