I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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