I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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