i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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