How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
