just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
