I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
