look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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