I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
