Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
