somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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