My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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