I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
