dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
