WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
