Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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