I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
how drunk are you?
Several
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
