I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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