Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
