The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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