chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
