Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
