I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
