do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
