you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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