Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
