Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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