I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
