i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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