so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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