Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
