Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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