I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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